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8.18.2006

From The Department Of Obvious Headlines: There Are Mother Fuckin' Snakes In The Mother Fuckin' Everglades---Anatomy Of A Duel



An update.

So the documentary on the mysterious, headless, python with an alligator exploding out of its gut was awesome. Here were some highlights:
  • Tons of never-before seen pictures of the aftermath of the cataclysmic battle of python vs alligator!
  • A "Team of Scientists" returned to the scene of the duel, waist-deep in a vast roadless expanse of swamp, and put up yellow police tape like it was a scene of a crime. They'd be discussing the find, and then the camera would switch to "reptile vision" and make it appear like they were being stalked by a gator or python or both. The funny part was it was weeks after the incident and the bodies had been long consumed by scavengers and disappeared. The location was almost incidental as the Team layed out plastic-laminated pictures of the dead in lieu of the real thing.
  • There was a fat old guy with a huge white beard that told the story of how he once saw a big gator eat a big snake in the swamps. He had cool pictures to prove it. They did a dramatization of that using the real guy with the beard. He was jolly and awesome.
  • The "Team of Scientists" wondered if maybe the snake just burst 'cause the gator was too much to swallow. To prove a snake could in theory digest a gator, they tried to feed dead baby gators to smaller snakes so the match was proportionate. Unfortunately, the pussy snakes they had domesticated in tanks were spoiled on rats and afraid of the dead gators. So a "scientist" was, like, "Do you have any hungrier snakes?"
  • They did, but they still wouldn't eat 'em. Stuck with the pussy snakes spoiled on rats, a "scientist" thought, "Hey, we need to make the gators smell more like rats!" So they sewed on the face of a rat to the face of the baby alligator. Then the snake was, like, "Fuck yeah! A rat!" and ate it.
  • The "Team of Scientists" x-rayed the bloated snake everyday to show the stages of digestion and the mother fuckin' gator was digested by the mother fuckin' snake in a mere 9 days. It was, indeed, possible.
  • But how matched were the big gator and python? There was evidence of a bite on the alligators head not caused by the snake, but by another alligator. As big male alligators often show their dominance over other alligators by biting them, this isn't too unusual. BUT, in the question of a fair python vs alligator fight, as the show said, "This changes everything!"
  • Meanwhile, did the big gator claw its way out? Impossible, the "scientists" figured, since the gator would be long asphyxiated by the time it got that deep in the snakes gut. The orientation of the rigor-mortised alligator limbs also suggested nothing of a clawing motion.
  • Forensic studies showed that where the alligator exploded out of the python, there were actually wounds from the outside. Since the exploded snake also had no mother fuckin' head, the "scientists" jumped to the same conclusion I did months ago, totally blowing the Lone-Gator Theory out of the (ahem) swamp water: there must've been a second mother fuckin' alligator!!!
  • The Two Gator Theory, the show explained, is controversial amongst python vs gator enthusiasts and "scientist," but the exterior python wounds on the belly and "neck" did seem to be from an alligator. Science shows it'd also be a little hard to swallow an alligator after it's eaten your head.
  • Finally, they had a CGI recreation of the python vs. gator battle! Then a CGI recreation of a second alligator attacking the bloated python. Fuck yeah!

1 Comments:

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Ivan said...

Simply awesome

 

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