The following is a paraphrased gmail exchange between Ivan and me:
luucaaas, this is your last chance
. make a decent film, or die.
you know, i've been thinking: besides having dubious causality (e.g.,
the order of events that created the clone army and the
senate's/yoda's instant and questionable approval of it); atrocious
love story/dialogue (sand comment, levitating fruit : "if obiwan saw
me doing this he would be very grumpy;" anikin pretending to fall off
that cow-like animal and being hurt only to roll over and dry-hump
padme on the grass; the causal leap of padme not liking anikin to
professing love while in S&M gear in front of the fire, her saying
"before we die, i want you to know that i love you very much" to anikin
right before the arena thing); dumb series of 5 climaxes so poorly
edited and segued into each other that only a five-year-old doesn't
feel pissed off to sit through it; the technology gap that has anikin
with a primitive arm prosthesis (can raise clones but can't make a
biological arm replacement?); padme having crazy elaborate costumes
for every 2 minute-long-scene (and having no tits); dismal failure to
continue storylines and themes from ep1 (midichlorians, the relevance
of the quigon jinn character, jedi unable to comprehend that "bringing
balance to the force" might mean an infusion of more evil [~few
hundred jedi VS two sith], jedi unable to comprehend that palpatine is
a bad guy, anikin not going to see his mother in 10 years!, anikin not
seeing padme for 10 years! [guess the jedi offices are really far from
the senate offices]) ---besides these things, something bothers me
about episode II:
obiwan is kind of an ineffectual dolt. he gets beaten by count dooku
in about 10 seconds. he's an extremely shitty investigator. think
about it: he goes to a fucking diner to find out where a poison dart
comes from, looks up the planet in the charts and it's not there, is
so clueless that he has to go to yoda and have some five-year-olds
tell him "hey, maybe it was erased from the map!" obiwan's, like,
"hmm, yeah! i didn't think of that! i thought maybe the planet had
exploded or something!" it's slow going (what, like, forty-five
minutes?) between obiwan starting the investigation and actually going
to the clone planet. also, for continuity purposes, _obiwan_ clearly
should've been the one to kill jango fett, since he's the one that
fucking dealt with him the whole movie. unbalanced! sloppy!
this misuse of obiwan is probably the biggest travesty of ep2 (yoda
was already really annoying in episode 1 and i don't even care about
him), and my ONLY hope for episode 3 is that the film makes obiwan
look as much of a badass as possible. obiwan clearly beats anikin
(lava duel), so this can be done. i hope this duel isn't framed as,
like, obiwan accidentally winning by chance (a lava explosion, or
something), but by pure skill.
as for the blindness of the jedi, i realize that i actually _want_
them all to die. that is some remarkably bad writing to get me not to
like the jedi. seem arrogant and very sloppy. beurocrats, UN
peacekeepers. they can't love? that's gay. stripped from their
families at age, like, 2? i'd rather be a rogue like count dooku.
speaking of dooku, wouldn't it be waaaay better if dooku actually
_was_ a good rogue jedi? i mean, he tells obiwan as much when he
captures him in that levitation-cage thing. actually, if he were evil
(and he's supposed to be), why would dooku actually tell obiwan about
a sith in the senate? what does he have to gain by doing so? since
no previous relationship was forged between obiwan and dooku, it's
also extremely unconvincing for dooku to try to persuade obiwan to
switch to his side. i mean, this all simply smells of bad writing.
if i think about it a little more, i bet there'd be a way to combine
the quigon jinn character (don't kill him in ep1) with a non-evil
dooku, swindled by sidious. quigon was already considered sorta iconoclastic in ep1. it'd be extra-ironic to have the guy that was so convinced of anikin's need to be trained to also be an instrument to tear apart the republic in a civil war.
my head will explode when i watch it...
we need a running-man style exploding collar on george's neck, and tell
him to make new movies, better movies, or it explodes. we could have
shitty sequels and/or a dead lucas.
actually, i think his goiter is too thick to blast through.